


till the end of my days (and beyond)

by LostInTheSun



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: F/M, i cry you cry everyone cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-05
Updated: 2014-05-05
Packaged: 2018-01-22 01:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1571111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostInTheSun/pseuds/LostInTheSun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"This is all he has ever wanted, isn't it? A woman who would let him love her and who would love him back, a woman he could grow old with, a woman who would give him children, a woman he would love till the end of his days, and beyond." - Scenes of Ted and Tracy's life throughout the years</p>
            </blockquote>





	till the end of my days (and beyond)

"Hey, beautiful," Ted says tentatively, and when Tracy turns towards him with a bright smile on her face, he smiles back at her. "Sorry I'm late," he adds, even though it's only been ten minutes, because no woman should have to wait for too long, and especially not her.

"So that's it, we're using pet names now?" she asks, quickly kissing him on the lips, and she takes his hand in hers, wordlessly walking him into the coffee shop she's been standing outside of.

"I thought I'd give it a try, yeah," Ted says as the door closes behind them, the sound of chimes ringing in his ears. "But I wasn't sure if I was allowed to call you "my lovely duck" when we've only been dating three months, so I went for the safer choice."

Tracy laughs, and Ted's stomach does that small jump he has come to associate with the sound of her mirth. They walk up to the counter in comfortable silence, place their order (both get a latte and a raisin bagel), exchange another quick kiss, and when their drinks are ready, Ted insists to carry them both to their table.

"I wouldn't want you to spill any on this lovely dress," he says, and Tracy chuckles.

"I'd say I'm more likely to get something spilt on my dress with you carrying the drinks," she predicts, and sure enough, Ted trips on someone's handbag and the mugs splash their content on her.

"Damn it!" he exclaims as the latte forms five little spots on the front of Tracy's dress. He quickly puts down the tray on an empty table, grabbing two napkins, but Tracy stops him before he has the time to clean up anything.

"It's fine," she says. "Don't worry about it."

"You sure?" he asks, and Tracy sits down and shrugs.

"I can always just Scourgify it," she says, and Ted laughs.

"Not in front of the Muggles, though," he adds, and Tracy grins back at him.

* * *

 

"Hey, beautiful," Ted says, waking her up from her slumber, and as Tracy slowly opens her eyes, the smell of pancakes fills her nostrils. She smiles into the pillow – his pillow – and feels his hand wipes her hair away from her face.

"Slept tight?" he asks, and Tracy only hums her answer, for she is still trapped in that delicate moment between sleeping and awake. "I made you pancakes," he adds, and Tracy smiles even more.

"I know," she murmurs, her voice cracking a little, "I have a sense of smell, Captain Obvious."

Ted pretends to take offence – "Well that's just rude. Maybe I'll eat them all by myself." – and that's all Tracy needs to sit up straight in his bed, grabbing his arm before he has time to take the tray away.

"Not so fast, Mosby," she grins, now fully awake, and Ted laughs, sitting down in bed with her. "That does smell really nice," she adds. "Been hearing about your pancakes for months. I was impatient for this moment."

Ted frowns, falsely offended. "Are you saying you only slept with me to taste my pancakes?"

"Maybe I did, yeah," she sing songs before grabbing a pancake and the jar of apple jam Ted brought with him. He watches silently as she spreads it on the pancake, absent-mindedly humming a song to herself, and he smiles, a warmth spreading through his heart. They've been dating for five months, now, last night was their first together, and Ted is more confident than ever – she's The One. He's known it from the moment he first spoke to her, of course, but these five months have been the happiest of his life.

He wonders if she feels it too.

* * *

 

"Hey, beautiful," Ted says as he walks into the Farhampton Inn bar, and Tracy smiles brightly.

"Hi," she replies, and as Ted sits down next to her, he cannot help but admire the shine in her eyes and the flow of her hair and the pattern of her dress.

"You look great," he says, because it's true, but, if he has to be honest, also because he hasn't seen her for three days and that he hopes he'll get to have his way with her before lunch.

"What?" Tracy exclaims, not convinced. "Come on!"

"You do!"

"I've been in the car all morning," she protests. "I just ate a croissant crumb that I found in my bra. I'm disgusting."

"Yeah, I saw you do that, and it was super hot."

It's not even a lie, because on the never-ending list of things he loves about Tracy, Ted must admit that the way she doesn't care what the world thinks of her ranks really high.

She laughs and there's a playful moment where each one of them asks the other to come closer. The game could go on for hours, but they haven't seen each other for three days, so Ted's lips find hers and, _God_ , he'll never grow tired of kissing her.

He wonders if she knows, just how much he loves her. He's told her, of course, but there's always this doubt at the back of his mind. It's the week-end of their first anniversary, and it's been the most beautiful year of his life. Sometimes, he thinks back to when he was dating all these other women – Robin, Victoria, Stella, Zoey, and all the other ones in between – and he realises, now, that what he thought was love never really was.

"Wanna hear something funny?" he asks, and when Tracy says yes, he goes on "A year ago today, almost to the minute, I was sitting at this very table, right in that seat."

Tracy's gaze follows his pointed finger, and she nods. "Oh yeah. I can see it. Nursing your gin and tonic with three extra-limes, doing the crossword... probably being all show boaty about it?"

"I wasn't being a show boaty." Ted protests for good measure, but she knows him too well and he knows he's fooling no one. "The point is, one year ago today, I made a promise to myself, right at this table."

"What was the promise?" she asks, and Ted smiles when he answers.

" _I'm coming back, and I'm bringing you._ "

Tracy is quick to point out the obvious, though. "Wait a second. Hold it. One year ago today, you hadn't even met me."

"I know. But I know I would." Her eyes are inscrutable, and Ted smiles, because he loves her oh so much, and she didn't fail him. "And now it's a year later..."

"And here I am."

"Here you are. Love in your eyes, baked good in your undergarments."

"Yeah, you picked a real winner Mosby."

There's a beat, and the past year rushes back to Ted. He's never been so happy, and the truth is, he is the real winner. "I did," he whispers, and then, loudly "Okay, seriously, what the crap is taking so long with these rooms? It was like this last year!"

Except that it wasn't, not really, because last year he was sad and alone, and probably depressed, now that he thinks back on it. And Tracy... well, she changed his life.

"I'll be right back," he says, and she instantly replies "I'll be right here," and Ted's heart swells a little. This is all he has ever wanted, isn't it? A woman who would let him love her and who would love him back, a woman he could grow old with, a woman who would give him children, a woman he would love till the end of his days, and beyond. And he has her, he has that woman, and she's even better than he's ever dreamed of. Ted hopes that Tracy knows, just how important she is, and as he kisses the back of her hand, he has a feeling that she does.

* * *

 

"Hey, beautiful," Ted says as he hears the bathroom door open. Tracy walks out, wearing a long-sleeved, stripy blue and white tee-shirt and a pair of blue jeans. It's amazing, how even in the simplest of clothes, she's quite simply the most beautiful woman he's ever seen.

"Finally up from your nap, Mosby?" she asks as she joins him on the bed of their Farhampton room.

Ted wraps an arm around her, kisses the crown of her head and answers "I wouldn't be so tired if you'd let me sleep last night," he reproaches, but he's fooling no one.

"I don't think I heard you complain very much," Tracy reminds him. "Actually, the only words coming out of your mouth were _God, don't stop_."

Ted chuckles, and in just one second, pins her on the bed underneath him, one hand in her hair, the other on her stomach. "Is that so?" he says, and Tracy his biting her lip, already giving into his touch, but Ted has other plans for her today.

She protests when he pulls back, and he would very much like to indulge her, but there's a lighthouse they have to visit and a little box in his pocket that he has to give her.

(And he has no doubt that their first night as an engaged couple will be something they will forever remember.)

* * *

 

"Hey, beautiful," Ted says as he enters the hospital room, flowers in one hand and a cuddly bunny in the other. Tracy looks up and put a finger against her lips, another finger pointing to the bassinet next to her bed.

Mentally kicking himself, Ted walks quietly to Tracy's bed and greets her with a quick kiss.

"How are you?" he whispers against her lips, and Tracy sighs.

"A bit tired," she confesses, "but I just can't seem to fall asleep."

Ted smiles, knowing full well what the reason behind Tracy's unrest is. "That's because you want to keep an eye on our daughter," he says. "I told you a million times, there are nurses who can take care of her while you're sleeping. Besides, she's sleeping herself."

Tracy scoffs. "If you think I'm going to put my baby's health into strangers' hands, maybe you don't know me at all, Mosby."

Ted chuckles, because he _knew_ that Tracy would give him this answer, and then he says, "You know, I'm not exactly a stranger. Maybe you could let her _father_ look after her and take a well-deserved nap."

Tracy smiles lazily. "Hmmm... I like the way you think. I knew there was a reason I am with you," she says, and then "thank you."

It takes her less than twenty seconds to fall asleep. The air is filled with the calm, steady breathing of both Tracy and Penny, the two loves of his life, and not for the first time since Penny's birth, three days ago, he is hit by the realisation that his life has never been better. It's kind of amazing, how he was ready to give up on everything before meeting her. Seeing Barney marry Robin, he had thought he would never get another shot at happiness, but there he is, father to a beautiful girl, fiancé to another one, and Robin's name is just a distant memory, someone he even tends to forget, because she's always travelling the world, her husband at her side.

Three years before, Ted was ready to give up on everything, and as his eyes flickers from Tracy to Penny, he thanks his lucky stars and the whole universe that he never did.

* * *

 

"Hey, beautiful," Ted says as he quietly enters their bedroom, regret and apologies written all over his face. Tracy barely looks at him, her attention focused on her ukulele, pointedly ignoring his efforts, and well, he can't really blame her, can he? He's been a real jerk on that one – he deserves the cold shoulder.

They've been fighting a lot, lately. Ted is not sure why, exactly, because that's something they never used to do – Ted can probably count the amount of fights they had before Luke's hand on the hand of a person who would be missing fingers – but he knows that they have to patch things up before it gets out of hands. For the kids, who don't deserve to see their parents fight so much, and for himself, because even on these days where she drives him mad, Tracy is still the love of his life and he waited for her for too long to let her go for something as stupid as not putting the dishwasher on.

"Tracy," he says as he sits on the bed next to her, and when she keeps ignoring him, he puts his hand on her ukulele and repeats "Tracy?"

Finally, she looks at him, venom in her eyes, a look he had never see directed at him, and for a moment there, Ted is thrown off balance. But he quickly recovers – he has to – and says "Tracy, I'm sorry." When she keeps ignoring him, he adds "I was a jerk" and that does it.

"Damn right you were!"

Happy that she finally acknowledged his existence, Ted smiles and says "I'm not denying it. Hiding the TV remote away from you was not only childish, it was also a terribly bad idea. I don't even remember where I put it." He then grows more serious. "Really, though. I – I don't know what's going, on, Tracy. And it's scary, a bit."

Tracy looks at him without speaking for a few moments, and then she finally says. "It's my fault."

Ted shakes his head. "No, it's mine," he protests, but Tracy insists.

"I haven't been completely honest with you," she says, and then she looks away. If this were any other girl, Ted would imagine the worst, that she'd been cheating on him, that she actually really was a lesbian, that she wanted a divorce. But this not just any other girl. This is Tracy Mosby, the mother of his children and the love of his life, and he knows her – something's wrong.

"I... The truth is, I've been moody because you threw away something of mine that I just... didn't want to throw away."

Ted blinks. "Okay..." he says, thinking back on it. Their fights did start after he sorted through all the stuff they had accumulated before they even met and that had been stored in a room he had decided to turn into Luke's. "I'm sorry, I really am. Whatever it was, I'm sure we can buy a new one."

And that does it. Tracy breaks down, tears freely falling from her eyes. "No we can't," she says, "because Max is dead."

She tells him, then. The story she's been carrying with her for twelve years, that one part of her past she never wants to talk about. She tells him everything, how they met in high school, how they moved to New York together, the flat they shared. And then came the accident, death, pain, loneliness. She tells him everything, and she's bawling, and Ted is, too.

"Ted, I don't want you to think I love him more than I do you, because that's not true. You're the love of my life, and I am so grateful that I met you, and Penny and Luke make me so happy, but I loved him, you know. I did love him, and he's gone, and that one man band suit you threw away, I just... I don't know, it was a reminder."

And Ted knows exactly what she means. He hold onto that blue French horn for too long not to understand what she means. He takes her into his arms, stroking her hair, and he whispers "I'm so sorry."

But the truth is, he's more grateful than sorry. Tracy finally opened up to him completely, fully, with all of her heart, and he knows it more than ever, how they were made for each other. They both were broken by love, and they found solace in each other's arms, and he knows that no matter what, they will last forever.

* * *

 

"Hey, beautiful," Ted says, as he sits down across from her. She called him earlier that day, asking that she met him for lunch near his office. _It's very important_ , she'd said on the phone, and her voice had sounded agitated, and Ted is secretly hoping that she's pregnant again. Luke is turning seven that year, and Ted kind of misses the bibs and nappies. But the look on her face lets him know that this couldn't be farther from the truth, as she looks like someone who has very bad news to share.

"Tracy, what is –" he starts, but she doesn't let him finish.

"I'm dying."

The words fall between them, heavy and hard, and Ted feels his heart skip a beat, his breath short and his stomach twisted in knots. He wants to ask a million questions, but nothing comes out, and when Tracy takes his hand across the table, he feels like her touch is burning him.

"I saw three different doctors, and all said I have six months at best."

"I – I don't – what?"

This can't be happening. This just cannot be happening.

"It's an inoperable brain tumour. I followed up on Lily's advice, for my migraines, and went to see a doctor, then a second one, because that diagnosis couldn't possibly have been true, and then a third, in a fit of desperation, I guess?"

That's it – Ted feels like he is falling into a never-ending hole, wide and deep and black and cold, swallowing everything – his heart, his soul, _his wife_. This can't be true. Not now, not after everything they've been through, not when Penny and Luke are still so young. They need a mother, and damn it, Ted needs her. He was so empty before he met her, and he owes this woman his life. Surely there must be something he can do – surely the doctors are wrong, surely someone will be able to cure her, because he _needs_ her, because _everyone_ does. She's barely forty, a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, and she's gonna change the world, end poverty as we know it, and, _god fucking damn it_ , she deserves to live. She's been through too much crap to have the rest of her life stolen away from her by something as fucking stupid as a brain tumour.

"You're angry, Ted," she says, and Ted slams his fist on the table between them.

"Damn right I'm angry! You need to see another doctor!"

"I asked for three opinions, Ted. I'm dying."

And she's calm, she's so calm, _how_ can she be so calm? Seeing her like this, accepting, it makes him sick to his stomach, so he gets up and leaves.

* * *

 

"Hey beautiful," Ted whispers as he walks through the door, Penny and Luke trailing behind him like ducklings following their mother. It feels like it was only yesterday that he walked through another hospital door to meet his first born, but so much time has passed ever since. So much has happened, too, and as he looks at her, he knows it – this is the end.

"Hey," she whispers back, a weak smile lightening up her face as she sees them. She feebly opens up her arms and says "Come give Mommy a cuddle."

Penny and Luke rush to her, their faces that of children who know something is wrong but who still want to enjoy the last moments. Frankly, Ted is amazed at how well they're handling the situation, because he can't bring himself to smile anymore. There's a gaping hole in his chest, a whole that's been there ever since she was diagnosed, five months before. He's not as angry as he was when she first told him, and he almost wishes he was, because anger has been replaced with emptiness, and it's so, so much worse.

"I love you both so much," Tracy whispers into Penny's hair, "I love you, and I'm always gonna love you. Never forget that."

"We won't," Luke answers, and Penny hugs her even tighter. And when Tracy starts to sing _La Vie en Rose_ , her voice weak and croaky, Ted cannot take it anymore, and he has to leave the room, tears blurring his visions and blood pulsing through his veins. This is not fair, none of it. They had so much to do, they were going to grow old together and dance at their children's weddings and look after their grandchildren. But she was leaving, and he would have to do all of this on his own and it was fucking _painful_.

A few minutes later, Penny and Luke walk out of the door. "Mom wants to talk to you," she says. "We'll be in the playing area." Ted watches them walk down the corridor, hand in hand, the skip in Penny's steps reminding him of Tracy walking down the aisle, and it _hurts_. He tries to compose himself, and he walks back into her room.

"I'm sorry," he says, and Tracy smiles.

"It's okay. I understand," she says, and once more, Ted is amazed at how well she is taking it all.

"I don't know how you do it," he confesses as he sits on her bed, taking both her hands in his. "You are so strong, Tracy. God, I wish I was as strong as you are."

She smiles and says "It's because I am grateful, Ted. I am grateful for you, and I am grateful for Penny and Luke, and I am so, so grateful, and I thank every god there is, and ever was, and ever will be that you came into my life when you did. I had given up on everything, Ted, but you changed my life, you made me feel loved, you made me love again, and you made my time on earth so much more beautiful." She stops talking for a heart beat, and she concludes "I am grateful for the eleven years we had together, and this is all I want to think about when I leave. And I want you to, too. I need you to be strong, Ted. For Penny, for Luke, for our friends and family. I need you to remember the happy time, not to focus on my absence."

And it's hard, it's the hardest thing Ted has ever done, but he nods, and he vows to do just that.

* * *

 

"Hey, beautiful," Ted says as he sats down in the grass, his hand touching the cold black marble of her tombstone. "I miss you," he says. "I'm trying hard not to, you know, and most days, I can walk through life without too much pain. I feel so empty, I have felt so empty for the past eleven years. And now it's even worse, because Luke left for college this morning, so now it's just me and your absence."

A pause, a sigh, a confession. "And there's Robin, too, of course, but... I don't need to tell you how dysfunctional our relationship is. When I have sex with her, I can never keep my eyes open, because... because I want to believe it is you. And she calls out Barney's name when she comes, you know?"

He furiously wipes up his tears, even though he knows it's a lost cause. "Everything is so messed up without you, Tracy. My life was a wreck before you came into it, and now that you're gone, it's just as it was before. And I'm doing what you said, I'm grateful for the time we had, and I promise that I try very hard to stay strong, and I carry your love with me wherever I go, but today I'm all alone and I guess... I guess that I needed to be there with you. Because I love you. I'm always gonna love you, till the end of my days."

The golden letters spelling _Tracy Mosby née McConnell, 1984-2024_ glow in the sunshine as Ted's voice breaks. It's okay. She's waiting for him.


End file.
